Late Night thoughts

Good evening everyone. Well, I'm going to go ahead and warn you that this blog entry is probably going to be extremely jumbled because my thoughts at the moment are going about 120 mph. So my apologies for that. However, my first topic is exes. They are called exes for a reason. The "X" on your heart and your list of bad ideas normally. To me it's funny how the ones you want the most out of your life, always try to weasel their way in. It drives me crazy. I have an ex that I dated for about a year, and we were toxic. Correction, he is/was toxic. I became an awful person when I was with him. I was mean and I lost a lot of friends because of him and what I became from being around him. He cheated on me numerous upon numerous times, and in the long run I knew what was going on. However, I was so "in love" that I didn't care. I was so stupid. This was about 3 years ago and he still tries to be with me, but when you tell someone that you are done. BE DONE. Stop hurting yourself and the other person because you aren't getting anywhere positive. Not every relationship is suppose to work out. It happens. He is the reason that I have a lot of the relationship issues that I have. I have trust issues, guarded issues, and confidence issues. It's taken me three years, just to say that I'm over him and to be okay. My summer goal is to be happy. Whatever it takes. I'm picking up my piano book, going hiking, painting. I've been single for a year; honestly, I think it's better that way. Tonight in church, we discussed boundaries. I think I need to recreate some of those. Whether they be in a relationship or just within myself. I've let myself get away from me and become a swirl within my surroundings. In a way, I guess I've reached my breaking point. I don't recognize myself anymore. I want to just throw away everything in my room. Nothing reflects who I am, and it doesn't help that when I get upset, I just shut down. I know I shouldn't bottle up my emotions, but I hope maybe somebody reading this will read this and maybe they are like me. I hope that someone doesn't make the mistakes that I have made. My father is moving back to Florida this summer. I understand why he is leaving, but it still sucks. We are just now getting super close. As sad as it sounds, I feel like I'm 6 years old again when he left the first time. Everything in my life is changing. The next year to two years are going to change my life honestly. I feel out of control, and there's nothing I can do about it. My friends mean the most to me right now. However, my thoughts are so jumbled I wouldn't even know what to tell them if they saw that something was wrong. To me, it's easier to just bottle everything up. Keep everything inside and then just fake a smile like everything is okay. In conclusion, don't judge a book by its cover, or a smile to its emotion. There's much behind every smile. Goodnight to all, I think I've vented enough. Until next time, think about what makes you happy. Do it to its full potential.

-Alexa

Been Awhile.. Update

Hello everyone! Well, I started this as a class assignment, but I think I'm going to keep it personally. I think if I rant on here it will keep me from getting on my other social media sites and blowing up on people's news feeds. Thus, since it has been so long since I have posted anything, I'll give everyone an update on my life. Well, I finished my first year of college. I passed which is also important. I've learned how to truly study, and I came to the conclusion of what I want to major in, which is political science with a minor in legal studies since the U of A doesn't technically have a Pre-Law program. I have gained so many friends this year, and I've met so many people, partially because I joined Alpha Omicron Pi and the University of Arkansas Women's Rugby Team. However, with all of the highs this year, there were also many lows. I lost two people that were very close to me. First, I lost my friend from high school Tanner Nalley the Sunday before finals week I was suppose to come home from college for Christmas break. Then, almost 5 months to the day, my dear Aunt Carol died. Losing them, has impacted my life in the greatest ways. Life is just so short and shouldn't be taken for granted. It's taught me to really value my friendships, as well as they have shown me who my real friends are. Because I have been gone in Fayetteville, which is 3 hours from home, I have become distant. I rarely come home. I know that 3 hours doesn't seem a lot especially to those who live in Texas and whatnot, but it's still a lot. Plus, I had sorority stuff or exams, so I wasn't ever able to come home. I've been home a week, and I still feel like I have to cram all of my friends in that I haven't seen within like every hour of the day. I am still adjusting where I don't have to rush or pack to go back to school. In the past year, I've learned somethings not only about others, but more importantly, myself. I am turning 20 in November. I've grown up a lot, but I still have a long way to go. I'm not sure if that scares me or not, but I am as ready for as I can be. I'm going to try to keep this regularly updated on my life as well as my opinions. My summer goals consist of trying to figure out what truly makes me happy. I hit a few lows this year because of all the stress and just kind of coming into myself. So, whether it's finding a hobby or doing something different in my routine, I'm going to make myself happy. If I meet someone in the process, great. However, this isn't my objective. Everything I'm doing this summer is for me. I've got zero plans or trips, strictly playing everything by ear. In closing, I hope everyone had a wonderful second semester whether it was in high school or college. I know I have so many memories already that I'll never forget. :) Until next time, stay safe. Love everyone. And be nice :)